motherhood...

I have been wanting to write about being a mom for a while now (two & ½ months to be exact). I know for many of us it’s a huge step/leap to take. It’s frightening, completely foreign and totally unknown/unchartered territory. And to be honest that description still sums up the experience even after my baby has been born. (I know all the moms out there are laughing).

One day you find out you’re pregnant and you get excited and gag a little bit at the sheer terror of what you’ve started, there’s no turning back now! And then you think, okay I can do this I have nine months to prepare for this. Wrong. You start worrying immediately for the health and safety of that little child and then the realization that life will never be the same sets in. For the rest of your life you will worry about and fret over that sweet little creature in your belly. And it’s an absolutely terrifying feeling.

Everyone kept asking when they found out I was pregnant how I felt and my answer was excited and terrified. Some moms laughed others gasped at my honesty. I think being scared of something with that much magnitude is only natural and real. Wrapping your head around being a mom to a little child is scary business. What if I’m not good at it. What if I hated babysitting my whole life, does that mean I’m going to hate my own child? What if seeing Yo Gabba Gabba on TV makes me want to break out in hives and run screaming for the hills? Is that really what it’s about? I knew there had to be something to this whole having a child business. Something great. If there wasn’t then why would people have kids? Or if they had kids why would they have more than one?
So I/we took the plunge.

Babysitting little kids in the past was I’ll admit not my favorite thing to do. Well that’s not completely honest. I HATED it. I couldn’t stand the kid shows, I was exhausted after two hours and watched the clock until their mom and dads came home. What do you mean you don’t want to go to sleep? Don’t you know Buffy the Vampire Slayer is on? Kid, you are seriously ruining my night. Ha! Granted when I used to baby sit my world revolved completely and utterly around myself. I was 16 and in high school and pretty much a kid-o-phobe.

While pregnant I had fun buying baby clothes and going to doctors appointments and getting his nursery all ready. I LOVED being pregnant. And if I could I would be pregnant the rest of my life. I loved carrying him around with me everywhere I went. I loved feeling him kick inside of me. I loved feeling it when he had the hiccups. And I kept pushing the terror of what being pregnant really meant back in the dusty parts of my brain. Wait, you mean there is a kid I have to take care of after this is all over?

When I was in labor, the nurse left to get the doctor so I could start pushing. Hall and I had about 30 minutes to ourselves before she came back and we started. I remember being so cold I was shaking and my teeth were clattering and I had butterflies in my stomach and I kept tasting vomit in the back of my throat. I asked Hall what was wrong with me as he gathered blankets and put them on me and he said your nervous. And he was exactly right. It felt like I was about to take the stage at American Idol on national TV and belt my heart out. The awesome thing about Hall is he knew I wasn’t nervous about pushing or labor. I was nervous because in 30 minutes there would be a little boy in my arms and I would become his entire world. How do you live up to that? How do you step up to the plate when you have no idea where the plate even is? That’s the funny thing about motherhood. There is no plan, or instructions or easy path to follow. You don’t go into it knowing what to do, or frankly having the slightest clue about up from down. It just happens. You see that little baby for the first time and you’re transformed. Suddenly life is much sweeter and happier, and better. And you just somehow get through it. The sleepless nights, the endless feedings and diaper changes are all worth it for that first big grin. The first sign that maybe this baby actually likes you. That’s a start right?

And then the grins turn into silent laughs, and then the silent laughs turn into real laughs. And then the enormity of what you and your husband have done sets in… you’ve started a family. I think about what my mom and Dad created for my brother and sister and I. A home, traditions, brothers and sisters, ways we like to eat ice cream and toppings we like on our pizza, a safe place to be ourselves and lots and lots of laughter. And I think about Hall and I then creating that on our own. Creating our family. Creating a home and traditions and siblings for our children. It’s HUGE. It’s amazing and it’s cliché but it’s the circle of life. It all comes around.

I would be lying if I said it was an instant bond between Jack and I. I think for some people that is how it begins. I loved Jack more than life itself from the moment he was born, but it hasn’t been until recently that I have felt a bond and a connection beyond being his caregiver. Part of it for me was realizing he recognizes Hall & I. He responds to my voice and he calms when I come in the room. Every time I think about his little face now I instantly beam. I love him. And it’s become more than I love my baby, I love HIM. I love his laugh, and his smile, and his little ever evolving personality. Jack is spunky and vivacious, and so smart. He is constantly learning and so determined. Every time he learns how to do something he wants to do it again and again, and he laughs the whole way through. He wants to stand, he grunts until I sit him up and then he laughs and laughs. He just realized he can reach for things and touch them! Watching him learn and teaching him the basics is the most rewarding thing I have ever done.

After having Jack when I was still recovering and getting through learning the basics I wondered how on Earth people had more than one child. How do they do it? Now that he is the age he is Hall is going to have to stop me from having eight kids. I absolutely love it. I love being a mom. And I still can’t believe it’s only been 2 ½ months since my life was turned completely upside down.